Nurturing Growth Amidst Grief: Understanding Lois Tonkin's Model
Grief is complex - a tapestry of emotions and experiences.
As a counsellor who walks this path with clients who are navigating loss in its various forms, I've come to appreciate the profound and complex nature of grief.
This blog explores the "Growing Around Grief" model developed by Lois Tonkin. My aim is to help you appreciate this model and to make it accessible - especially if you’re currently facing a bereavement in your life. This is one model therapists use to support grieving clients in processing their loss and in moving toward healing and growth.
Understanding the "Growing Around Grief" Model
Imagine grief as a tree - a living, growing life. In the centre of this tree, there's a scar, representing the loss you've suffered. Your life, like the tree, keeps growing despite this scar. This growth signifies your resilience and your capacity to keep continuing with life. The scar is a poignant reminder of loss, and becomes an integral part of the tree, just like the loss becomes an inherent part of you.
The 4 parts of Tonkin’s Model
The Tree: Your life, like the tree, keeps growing, even in the presence of a significant loss. This growth is a testament to life continuing to persevere despite pain and suffering.
The Scar: Represents the loss you've experienced, whether it's the passing of a loved one, the end of a relationship, or another form of loss. It's a permanent mark, a part of your history, something that’s changed you forever, and has potentially altered your life's course.
New Growth: Even though it bears the scar, the tree sprouts new branches, leaves, and even flowers. This signifies your capacity for personal growth and the potential for new experiences, even after loss.
Integration: The scar remains, never disappearing; it becomes a part of who you are, shaping your views, values, beliefs, and the way you see the world.
Below is a visual depiction of Tonkin’s model:
How Therapists Work with the "Growing Around Grief" Model
I use the "Growing Around Grief" model as a guiding framework to help my clients make sense of their grief and find a path toward healing and growth.
In a counselling session, this may look like:
1. Validation and Acknowledgment: the therapeutic space I create is an environment where my hope is for my clients to feel safe to express their grief openly and freely. To acknowledge their pain and loss, and to understand it is normal and completely okay to have conflicting emotions. All emotions are welcome and an expected part of the grieving process.
2. Exploring the Scar: During our sessions, clients are encouraged to explore the scar that’s been left behind—their loss. They may share stories, memories, regrets, and emotions associated with what they've lost. This process helps clients recognise the impact of their grief and is an important part of healing.
3. New Growth and Resilience: As a therapist, I work with my clients to identify signs of new growth in their lives. These can be new interests, relationships, or personal strengths. These may emerge amidst the grief, or they may need some support in building these new parts of their life. My role is helping my clients to notice, tend to, and nurture these aspects of their lives. This can be hard, and sometimes having someone work with you on this can help by feeling you’ve been given permission to do things, that are aligned with going on with living, despite your loss.
4. Integration and Meaning-Making: I deeply appreciate supporting clients as they integrate their loss into their life story. We explore together how their grief has shaped them and how it can be a source of wisdom, insight and strength.
5. Setting New Goals: Therapy often involves helping you to make plans, or set goals, that align with your evolving sense of self after loss. These plans will consider both your past and present, as we focus on ways of creating a meaningful future that acknowledges and respects the scar of your grief.
6. Coping Strategies: Together, we can work on practical coping strategies for navigating the challenges of grief. These strategies may include stress management techniques, self-care practices, and ways to manage difficult emotions.
Support Network: Our work together also includes identifying and building a support network. This could be friends, family, support groups, or community resources, new or old hobbies with like-minded people. People who understand and can provide comfort are very helpful at these times, as is engagement in activities that you have found joy in before, or have been interested in exploring.
I find the "Growing Around Grief" model offers a useful lens to view grief as an ongoing process of growth and integration. It emphasises that, despite the scar of loss, life continues to evolve and flourish. This model supports acknowledging the pain, having permission to discover new growth, while integrating the loss into a meaningful life narrative.
Grief is without a doubt a challenging path. With the right support, it can lead to personal growth and resilience.
The "Growing Around Grief" model is one of a few different models on grief I find helpful for my clients. There are other models I incorporate in my work with clients which I’ve blogged about in the below blogs:
In the meantime, if you have thoughts to share or if you're going through a grieving process, please do reach out and connect with someone, whether a friend, family member, or a therapist. Your life experience matters, and so does your emotional experience.
Remember, healing often begins with acknowledging and sharing your story. You're not alone on this path - it is a path to be walked with support, in honouring the scars that have shaped you, while finding hope in the new growth that draws life forward.
References:
https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/abs/10.1080/02682629608657376
https://www.psychologytools.com/self-help/grief-loss-and-bereavement/