Understanding the Evolving Stages of Grief and Healing

Grief & Loss

27 Oct

If you’re navigating grief, there are some evolving ideas around the stages of grief and how we heal, that you may find supportive.

While grief is a part of our human experience, as a grief therapist, I understand that it’s also a confusing and sometimes overwhelming experience. When we can understand how grief works, it can help to provide context for some of the big feelings and experiences that come with it.

If you’re curious to learn more about grief and its evolving stages, this blog explores:

The evolving stages of grief
The physical and emotional symptoms of grief
Normalising different emotions during grief
How therapy can support you in understanding your grief journey and healing from your loss.

The Evolving Stages of Grief

When Elisabeth Kübler-Ross first formed her five stages of grief model, she proposed that grief followed five distinct and linear stages:

Denial
Anger
Bargaining
Depression, and
Acceptance

This model (DABDA), has evolved over time, and modern research suggests that grief is a much more dynamic and individual process.

Today, we recognise that the stages of grief are not necessarily experienced in a specific order, and not everyone will go through all of them. Further, we know that there is no right or wrong way to grieve, and we may move in and out of different experiences of grief over time.

Because of this, Kübler-Ross’ stages of grief have evolved to reflect a more nuanced and individualised understanding of the grieving process. They acknowledge the complexity of grief, emphasising the importance of meaning-making and offer greater flexibility for how grief is supported and understood:

Shock and Disbelief: Often occurring immediately after a loss, this stage may involve feelings of numbness, confusion, and denial. This is a natural response to a difficult experience and is your mind's way of protecting you from the full impact of the loss.
Emotional Turmoil: This stage is often characterised by intense emotions, including anger, sadness, guilt, and fear. Experiencing these emotions is completely normal, and there is no right or wrong way to feel.
Physical Symptoms: Grief can manifest physically through fatigue, sleep disturbances, changes in appetite, and even physical pain. These symptoms are a natural response to the emotional toll of grief.
Acceptance and Meaning-Making: Over time, many individuals reach a stage of acceptance where they begin to find meaning in the loss. This is not the same as forgetting or moving on, but rather integrating the loss into your life story in a way that allows you to move forward while honouring the memory of what/who you've lost.
Continued Bonds: In this stage, you may find that you maintain a connection with the person or thing you've lost. This connection can provide comfort and support as you navigate your grief journey.

Working with a Therapist to Heal Grief

Grief can be an isolating experience, and it's not something you have to go through alone. Connecting with a therapist who is experienced with grief can support you as you navigate and process your grief.

Here's how therapy can help:

Validation and Support: Providing a safe and understanding space, a therapist will help you to express your thoughts and feelings, validate your experiences and reassure you that the emotions you are experiencing are a natural part of grieving.
Understanding Your Journey With Grief: Every person's grief is unique, and a therapist can help you to understand your individual experience and the emotions you're going through.
Coping Strategies: Therapy equips you with practical coping strategies to navigate the challenges of grief, including managing overwhelming emotions and finding healthy ways to process your loss. These strategies can be used over time as you move through different stages of grief.
Meaning-Making: Therapists can support you in finding meaning in your grief. This process involves exploring your beliefs, values, and how the loss has shaped your life.
Creating a Support Network: A therapist can help you identify and build a support network, connecting you with resources, such as support groups or community services, or a version of support that works best for you.
Setting Goals for Healing: Therapy can assist you in setting personal goals for healing and growth, and help you track how you are progressing through your healing.

Modern Models of Grief

As they have evolved, modern grief models have prioritised more nuanced perspectives on grief as being:

Non-Linear and Individualised: Contemporary grief models understand that grief is a non-linear process that looks different from person to person.
Multi-dimensional: Modern models recognise that grief is not just about emotions. Grief includes cognitive, behavioural, social, and spiritual dimensions. We now acknowledge that people often experience both a mix of feelings and other responses.
Context-Specific: All grief is context-specific. The nature of the relationship with the deceased, the circumstances of the death, and cultural factors all influence how we grieve.
Having Continuing Bonds: Some modern models emphasise the importance of "continuing bonds," suggesting that we can maintain a sense of connection with the deceased person, or pet, in various ways, rather than completely "accepting" the loss and moving on.
Prioritising Meaning-Making: Meaning-making is central in contemporary grief models. We’re encouraged to find meaning within loss, constructing new narratives that integrate the experience into our lives in a meaningful way.
Task-Oriented: Some newer models emphasise tasks or processes that individuals may engage in during grief, such as acknowledging the reality of the loss, experiencing the pain of grief, and adjusting to life without the deceased.
Inclusive: Where Kübler-Ross originally applied her model primarily to people who were dying and facing their own mortality, contemporary grief models are more inclusive and applicable to various types of loss, including the death of a loved one, or estranged person to you, divorce, job loss, or other major life changes. They recognise that grief is not limited to end-of-life scenarios.

Grief is a challenging and often painful experience, and if you’re travelling through grief, I want to gently remind you that all emotions you experience during this time are natural responses to grief. There is no right or wrong here.

Whether you're in the early stages of shock and disbelief or on the path to acceptance and meaning-making, therapy can be a valuable resource for understanding your unique journey and moving towards a place of peace and growth.

You don't have to carry your grief alone.

As a counsellor experienced in working with grief, I appreciate the confusion, isolation and heaviness that grief can bring with it. I offer 1:1 grief counselling, to support you through your grieving experience. Together, we can work on an individualised approach to your needs, with strategies and supports that suit your personality, your goals and your lifestyle.