Navigating Grief During Holiday Times and Special Occasions
Grief can have a big impact on holiday times and special occasions, especially in the first year following your loss.
In the initial 12 months, you will experience many firsts without the person you’ve lost. This can be incredibly painful and is a time laden with many emotions. This grief is often compounded by the Christmas festive season, as well as other holidays that are seen by society (and media) as times of joy, celebration and togetherness. These times which may have previously been opportunities to come together (for Easter, Christmas, birthdays, Mother's Day, and Father's Day) and create memories, suddenly they can become painful reminders of what is now missing.
For those of us who are grieving the loss of a loved one, these special days can bring about a profound sense of sadness, emptiness, and longing, anger, among other emotions. All this is happening while others are having fun, and are often less available. We may also be invited along to these events and not feel up to being with people. This can be hard to explain, especially if there’s an expectation that ‘I’ve grieved enough’, or some passage of time has passed where others may have lost track of the loss you are still experiencing.
Navigating grief during special occasions can be really challenging
Spending some time working through your grief can help. At these times it is important to remember the ways that help you find comfort or support, and how you can utilise these during holidays and events. It can be helpful to find ways to maintain a connection with those you’ve lost, as this can offer, and provide you with, strength and connection through these difficult times.
Below are some strategies for coping with grief during these times
1. Acknowledge Your Feelings
It’s always helpful to acknowledge how you’re feeling, especially when navigating grief. Take time to notice what you are feeling, knowing it is completely normal to experience a range of emotions, including sadness, anger, and guilt. Remember that grief doesn't follow a linear path. When you think you have processed your loss and your tears have subsided, it is not unusual for grief to resurface (especially during these significant times). Some compassion to yourself is needed here – to give yourself permission to feel the way you do, not suppressing your emotions – they are a natural response to loss.
2. Plan Ahead
By being aware of the emotional challenges that can arise on special occasions and holidays, you can plan ahead to manage this. Spend some time considering what may be the most manageable way to spend your day: it may be attending a gathering, or staying at home, having a quiet day of reflection, or doing something which provides a distraction. There is no right or wrong here.
Having family or friends who are understanding and flexible can help. You may feel comfortable sharing with them that you’re hoping to come to their gathering, and also request the flexibility to not attend if you’re not feeling up for it. Having a plan, or gaining prior ‘permission’, with people who are understanding, can reduce additional worries about this.
3. Prioritise Self-Care
When you are most vulnerable, it is wise to build your reserves with some self-care. This could look like prioritising your emotional and physical wellbeing. You could do this by placing some attention on any or all of these: getting enough rest, sufficient sleep, eating a balance diet, exercising, engaging in the right amount of social activity for you, and doing things that bring you joy. It also means having boundaries so you’re not saying yes to things that you need to say no to, in order to maintain or sustain your energy. This will support you to have sufficient reserves to support you on those vulnerable, or more emotionally triggering, days.
Think of self-care as refuelling your emotional reserves, to help you manage the emotional toll that grief brings.
4. Lean on Support
Please know you don't have to navigate grief on your own. Reach out to friends and family members who understand what you're going through, who you can be honest with, and who know how to support you emotionally. Talk to these people about the possibility of modifying your holiday plans or events so you have the space, or even the permission from them, to leave when you need to. Another option is to have a place you can go to for a breather, or to shed tears with some privacy if that’s what you need. Support groups and grief counsellors can also be valuable resources during this time. Visit Grief.org.au for further resources and supports.
5. Be Flexible
Grief is unpredictable, and you may find that your emotions ebb and flow each day during the holiday season. Be flexible with yourself and your expectations. It isn’t helpful to add pressure to conform to a particular emotional state at these times.
Please remember it’s also completely normal to feel moments of happiness alongside moments of sadness. Our bodies can’t stay in a state of grief 24/7, and it’s really natural, and important, to find yourself laughing and smiling and feeling good, even if just for a moment. This doesn’t mean that you care any less about your loved one. If you can, give yourself gentle permission to feel all the emotions that arise (positive ones included).
6. Make Space for Memories
Honouring the memories of your loved one is healing. Some people set up a space with photos, or a prized item, or light a candle. Others write letters to their loved one, or take time out to sit in a space where they feel they can connect with them and even ‘have a chat’. Everyone is different and so it’s important to check in with what suits you, and not judge what others do to manage and process their grief.
You can get as creative as feels helpful, and supports you. And if anything in this blog doesn’t sound supportive for you, that’s okay. While many people find making space for memories and meaningful connections a way to keep their loved on alive in their life, it doesn’t appeal to everyone.
7. Create New Traditions
Traditional celebrations can be a painful reminder of the past, making it really difficult to enjoy these days. Instead, you may like to consider creating a new tradition that honours the memory of the person you’ve lost. You could donate to a cause they cared about, do something that was meaningful for them (for example, buy yourself flowers, or a book, visit a park, go to the beach, take time to remember a lesson they taught you or how your life is better for having had them in it). This is intended to be something that keeps their spirit alive for you in a positive way.
8. Seek Professional Help
If you would like someone to be with you as you navigate the above steps, or if your grief is overwhelming and interfering with your daily life, reach out for professional help. Grief counsellors and therapists are trained to assist individuals in coping with loss and can provide you with a space to talk freely, as well as strategies to navigate your emotions.
Grief during holiday times and special occasions can be a complex and challenging experience. Remember there is no one-size-fits-all approach to dealing with grief, and your experience is unique to you. By acknowledging your feelings, creating new traditions, leaning on support, planning ahead, focusing on self-care, making space for memories, being flexible, and seeking professional help when needed, you can navigate grief during these occasions and slowly find a way to honour your loved one, while finding moments of peace and healing.
Remember grieving is a natural human experience we all go through at different times in our lives. The pain of your grief is a testament to the love and connection you shared with those you've lost.
You don't have to carry your grief alone.
As a counsellor experienced in working with grief, I appreciate the confusion, isolation and heaviness that grief can bring with it. I offer 1:1 grief counselling, to support you through your grieving experience. Together, we can work on an individualised approach to your needs, with strategies and supports that suit your personality, your goals and your lifestyle.
Learn more about me, Nicky, and my approach to counselling.
For more information about processing and growing through grief, you may like to read through the other blogs on grief in this series:
Navigating the uncharted waters of grief
Understanding the Evolving Stages of Grief and Healing with Modern Therapy Models
Nurturing Growth Amidst Grief: Understanding Lois Tonkin's Model
Practical Steps from 2 Models of Grief
Disenfranchised Grief and Validating Unseen Loss
If you are wanting some support in navigating your loss, or managing the symptoms of grief and loss please feel free to get in touch.