What are healthy boundaries and how do we set them kindly?
Something that arises often within client sessions is the topic of boundaries - what are healthy and helpful boundaries, how do we go about setting them, and why can it feel so deeply uncomfortable to set our boundaries with other people? Let’s unpack this together…
I see a lot of clients who are feeling stressed, overwhelmed and burnt out. They’ve reached a point of exhaustion and resentment with people around them, yet may not have realised that these experiences are stemming from not having boundaries in place.
Maybe you can relate to finding yourself feeling hurt, disrespected or taken advantage of by someone? Perhaps a friend or family member made a comment that stung, or a colleague expected you to do much more than your share of the work? Or, you’re noticing that you tend to put the needs of others before your own, which leaves you feeling drained and resentful?
Facing other people’s attitudes and behaviours can be challenging, and there are times in life when we let things slide that leave us feeling hurt, resentful or angry.
This is where boundaries come in, to support and protect your Self and your energy, within your relationships with others.
What are boundaries?
Boundaries are the invisible lines we draw around ourselves that protect our physical, emotional and psychological wellbeing. Boundaries set clear limits between your thoughts, needs, beliefs, emotions, resources and physical space, and those of other people.
Boundaries help us to express our authentic selves, and provide a strong foundation for relationships, regardless of whether these are with family, partners, colleagues, children, or other people in our lives.
When you can define your boundaries, you’ll spend less time thinking about them, spend less energy making decisions, and your boundaries will provide a structure to know where you stand in different situations.
Indicators that boundaries are not in place
When someone doesn’t know what their boundaries are or is finding it difficult to articulate their boundaries, they may experience:
Resentment
People pleasing behaviours - saying yes to requests from others, before realising that you may not have the time or energy to do what’s asked of you
Perfectionism - having unrealistic and unyielding expectations for yourself (and/or others), which can also lead to overcommitting.
Overwhelm
Stress
Burnout.
Why boundary setting can be so hard
Healthy boundaries are essential to our health and happiness, yet they’re a skill we don’t necessarily grow up learning about.
I want to really normalise that boundary setting can be challenging. Especially, when someone is navigating experiences such as:
A deep fear of rejection or criticism
People pleasing or perfectionist behaviours
Not having healthy boundaries modelled when growing up
Feeling guilty for saying no or for preferencing your own needs
Feeling like you need to comply with everyone else
Finding it difficult to feel worthy of respect from others
Finding it difficult to admit that you have needs.
If you’re someone who finds setting boundaries hard, please know that this is a skill that can be developed, at any point in life.
Through your boundaries, you get to decide how much of yourself you share with others.
Different types of boundaries
Depending on our life experiences, family dynamics, and the role of trauma in our lives, our boundaries may at different times, be:
Flexible (flexing to meet different situations)
Rigid (firm and fixed despite different situations)
Soft (put aside to meet the needs of others first), or
Spongy (hard to know when to set boundaries or not, so boundaries can become a combination of rigid and soft).
When working out your own boundaries, it can help to understand whether they tend to be more flexible, rigid, soft or spongy, as well as the different types of boundaries that are important to you.
Boundary types:
Physical boundaries
Physical boundaries outline your personal space and your preferred level of physical contact. They also provide clarity around the physical self-care needs that you have, for example, how much sleep you need or what you eat. These boundaries help you to establish and maintain your physical safety, comfort and wellbeing.
An example of a physical boundary is when someone stands uncomfortably close to you, and you either move to a comfortable distance, or say that you need more personal space.
Another example of a physical boundary would be saying no to physical touch that you’re not comfortable with, for example a pat on the arm or a kiss on the cheek.
Physical boundaries may sound like:
“I’m not a hugger. I prefer a handshake.”
“I need to eat. I’m going to get some food now.”
Resource boundaries
Resource boundaries help you to protect your material, financial and energetic resources.
Setting limits on your resources is important in personal and professional life - otherwise it can end up feeling like you’re ‘on call’ all the time.
Soft resource boundaries can look like always giving generously, beyond what is reciprocated by others, and to the point of resource exhaustion. Rigid resource boundaries may look like sticking to a strict/overbooked work or personal routine, regardless of what else might be happening (illness, exhaustion, emergencies, the routine no longer serves you).
An example of a resource boundary is setting limits around how much time or material and financial support you will provide to others, including saying no to commitments that don’t align with your values or priorities.
Resource boundaries can sound like:
“I’m not able to commit to that right now, but thank you for thinking of me.”
“I am not able to lend money, but I am happy to help you brainstorm ideas and possible solutions.”
“I won’t have time for that this month. Can we revisit this conversation next month?”
Resource boundaries include your time, and this can be a particularly important consideration if you’re working within a corporate environment where time is short and the demands are high. Clear boundaries at work can help to prevent stress, anxiety and burnout. You can read more about the role of boundaries in preventing corporate burnout, in my blog post “Burnout in corporate life”.
Mental or emotional boundaries
Emotional and mental boundaries are about your thoughts, your feelings, and your overall emotional wellbeing. These boundaries help you to maintain a sense of emotional autonomy and protect your emotional space.
When emotional or mental boundaries are soft, you may feel responsible for other people’s emotional or mental states and take on a peacekeeping role. Rigid emotional or mental boundaries may show up as being overly fixed in your beliefs or emotions, without space for connection with others (your guard is always up).
An example of this type of boundary is recognising and respecting your own emotional needs and limits, including taking time to recharge, or seeking support when you need to.
Another example would be saying no to emotional requests from others and being clear what you’re comfortable offering and what is off-limits.
Emotional / mental boundaries may sound like:
“I need space to process my feelings before talking about this further. Can we resume this conversation tomorrow?”
“I don’t feel comfortable talking about that right now.”
Sexual Boundaries
Healthy sexual boundaries protect your right to consent, to communicate your preferences, to have honesty from sexual partners about their sexual history, as well as protecting your right to privacy.
Some examples of healthy sexual boundaries are:
Asking for consent
Discussing and asking for preferences around touch, intimacy and pleasure
Requesting contraceptive use
Saying no to things that you do not like.
Sexual boundaries may sound like:
“Is this comfortable for you?”
“Tell me what you like / don’t like.”
“I don’t want to have sex tonight. Can we cuddle instead?”
Spiritual and religious boundaries
Spiritual and religious boundaries protect your spiritual and religious beliefs and values. They can help you to feel connected to your spiritual practices. They also offer a way to respect someone else’s beliefs.
An example of a spiritual boundary is when you prioritise time for prayer, reflection, or expressing your spirituality on your terms.
Spiritual and religious boundaries may sound like:
“I respect your beliefs, but I don’t feel comfortable discussing religion with you.”
What are your non-negotiable boundaries
Thinking about your personal and professional life, what are your non-negotiable boundaries?
Write them down
Practise them
Adapt them over time.
How to set healthy boundaries, with kindness
Healthy boundaries include compassion for ourselves and others. Whilst it can feel uncomfortable to set boundaries, clear and compassionate boundaries are in fact kind to everyone involved.
In the words of Brene Brown:
“Daring to set boundaries is about having the courage to love ourselves even when we risk disappointing others.”
Sometimes, when you set a boundary you will be met with anger or resistance - this doesn’t mean that it was wrong to set that boundary. Boundaries are about your wellbeing, and they can make relationships easier, by reducing unnecessary resentment and frustration, and protecting your energy and resources.
And, while you can’t control how someone else will respond to your boundary, these communication tips may support you as you practise setting boundaries with kindness:
1. Focus on your feelings and needs
When setting a boundary, lead with how you feel and what you need. “When X (situation) happens, I feel Y (emotion/response), and the impact is Z.” This keeps the conversation focused in a constructive direction.
2. Be direct
Sometimes when we’re trying to be kind, the meaning of our message gets lost or we don’t end up asking for what we need. It’s helpful to be clear about your needs.
3. Be specific
Ask for exactly what you need - the more specific you can make this, the easier it will be for the other person to understand your boundary.
4. Aim for a neutral tone of voice
Even more important than your words, is your tone and your body language. Aim for a neutral tone, avoiding a raised voice or sarcasm, as these can lead to a more defensive response from others.
5. Choose your timing
Try to choose a time when everyone has the space (low distractions, not needing to rush off anywhere) and the energy (well rested, calm) to have the conversation. Having said this, sometimes a boundary will need to be set immediately, and it won’t be appropriate to wait for another time. Or, in some instances, setting a boundary may feel, or be, unsafe…If this is the case, please know that it’s first and foremost important to listen to your inner voice about when / how to navigate boundary setting in a way that is safe and supportive to you.
6. Provide a positive or a helpful alternative if it’s appropriate to do so
For example: “I really appreciate the opportunity to grow my skills with these new projects. It’s important to me to continue to grow and take on new challenges. I also am aware that my workload is already quite full, so in order to give the proper time and energy to these new projects, something will need to shift. Can we please talk about making a change to my schedule so that I am able to invest the time and energy that these projects deserve?”
Would you like more support around boundary setting personally or professionally? I offer 1:1 counselling as well as mindfulness and meditation sessions. We can work together on an individualised approach to your needs, with strategies that suit your goals and your lifestyle.
Along with individual sessions, I also offer Corporate Mindfulness and Wellbeing Workshop and Programs (in person and online).
Book a complimentary 10-minute consultation to find out more.
Further reading and references:
Compassionate Boundaries: how to say no with heart
4 Ways to avoid burnout
Burnout in corporate life